I have bought Golden opinions from all sorts of people.

What on earth is happening at Runners World? At the moment, I’m running races but not training so decided to get my running fix through reading. We used to subscribe to Runners World but cancelled because we decided that there was nothing really new, just a re-hash of articles we’d already read. About three weeks ago a running friend told us there was an excellent article on Race The Train, a race that we’d run in the summer so off I trotted to pick up the November issue. Why do magazines do that? Publish the November issue in the first week in October? It’s not just Runners World, they all do it; I just can’t understand why you would publish a magazine three to four weeks before it is supposed to be due to be released, anyway, back to “What’s happening at Runners World”? If they cram anymore words on the front cover they won’t have space for the photo of the barely dressed model. Have they muddled up their priorities? They’ve cut her down to size and squeezed her in between a plethora of empty slogans.

There are thirteen separate messages on the front cover telling the browser about some not-to-be-missed article inside. From a design, marketing and running perspective this is a shambles. Isn’t there anybody on their editorial team who can take a step back and say “We’ve gone too far, our front cover is bobbins”. The photo is too small to attract the pervs and the messages are too many and too unclear to appeal to runners who want to improve. They’re just SHOUTING at me with their meaningless headlines. The only purpose of this cover is to win a competition for a magazine that can cram thirteen meaningless slogans and a pervy photo onto one cover; I don’t think such a competition exists.

What the f*** does “Think Your Way To A New PB” mean anyway? Why have they misused capital letters in this way? The article barely fills a page, has unforgivable typos and could have been written by a four year old. It does not provide me with the tools to improve performance. There is absolutely no science in this article, not even “bad science”. You could not accuse the authors of being charlatans as they don’t make exaggerated claims, it’s just filler.

“Beginners Run Off Road”, is just the same. Fewer then 500 words on running trail races. There are so many brilliant, inspiring, horrible, frightening trail races that you could easily fill a couple of pages with anecdotes and advice, but this article is just bland and instantly forgettable.

And on it goes. If I was an advertiser, I’d be really disappointed that the journalism and editorial professionalism was so poor. The quality of the advertising copy far exceeds that of the content of this magazine. I don’t have an axe to grind; I would genuinely like to read articles that are inspiring, thought–provoking and inspirational. The closest Runners World gets in this issue are the articles by Paul Groves on re-running his school cross country race and the Race The Train article by Warren Pole.

As ever, the “Rave Run”, where a reader describes their favourite run is hugely disappointing. There’s a brilliant photo and a story that demands at least a thousand words but it’s crammed into a two page spread. The photography on this article is consistently superb and the chosen subject invariably has a story to tell that is worth reading. But the article does not tell that story. Even when they have stumbled onto a winning formula, the editors manage to screw it up.

That said, they’re better than the opposition. Come on; feed me! There’s a readership out there that wants good quality journalism and the current offerings don’t meet that need.

O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

As I registered for my race on Sunday I bumped into a vastly experienced local runner who trots along at around the same pace as me. “What’s this one like”? I asked. “Not sure” he replied, “they all blend into one after a while”. This was a little puzzling as he has previously demonstrated encyclopaedic knowledge of almost every race I’ve turned up to. I thought no more of it and took up a position towards the back of the field as I was feeling some way short of my best. After all, in a seven mile race I could always go past people if I was feeling strong. Wrong! In this particular race the tactic is to get as close to the front of the field as you can and leg it as soon as the starter shouts “Go”! If you can then run like the clappers for the first half mile you’re almost guaranteed a victory over your rivals.

There were almost no opportunities for safe overtaking in the next five and a half miles and runners got bunched up as slower runners became slow-moving road blocks. With a record entry of over 400 those of us in the middle and towards the end of the field were stopping and starting and reduced to a walk as we climbed the first two miles.

When we eventually got onto the moor, it was no blessed relief; the organisers had forgotten to tell us that they’d borrowed Grimpen Mire for the morning for us to slog across. I will long remember the sight of two mud-splattered runners desperately tugging to release a fellow runner from a particularly foul smelling part of the bog. She’d wandered ever so slightly off path and was up to her waist in gloopy, black ooze. Once it was clear that she was no longer in danger, the whole incident cheered me up no end. I’d been slipping and sliding all over the place and had decided I was the most unfortunate and unstable runner on the moor. Three runners effortlessly overtaken and all three of them considerably dirtier than me. Result.

After some break-neck downhill sections we were faced with a short spot of rock climbing (from memory, I would grade it as Mild Very Severe) before a short stretch of track where overtaking was possible. I managed to get past a few runners in the final mile, but I didn’t have anything left by the end.

Whilst gasping for breath like a beached John Dory, my colleague from earlier (looking rested and refreshed) cheerily asked “What kept you”? From now on I think I’ll set off as close to the front as I can get away with at all trail, cross-country and fell races.

We have seen better days

In the spirit of the times I’m undertaking a Comprehensive Running Review over the full term of my two London marathon runs, past and future. Recent results show there is a record deficit between my actual race times and the performances required to bring me home at London Marathon 2011 in my target time of 3 hours and 15 minutes.

The review will be guided by the principles of freedom, fairness and responsibility. It will include my coalition partner Liz and will be a clear indication that we’re in this together. This wide ranging review will consider deficiencies of the previous administration – overeating, undertraining, running when injured etc) as well as providing a blueprint for future behaviour.

Deficit
5k deficit between best and current 1 minute and 30 seconds
10k deficit between best and current 5 minutes
10 miles deficit between best and currnet 10 minutes
Half Marathon deficit between best and current 15 minutes
Marathon deficit between best and current estimate 30 minutes
Chart 1A

Chart 1A shows a widening gap between current performances and times for races in late 2009/early 2010. As I was way off target at VLM 2010, I need to find about 45 minutes from where I am now to where I want to be in April 2011.

Tackling a deficit of this scale requires urgent action. The reason for the downturn in my running fortunes is, I believe, injury based. For the next six weeks I will not attempt to train when injured (I’ll still be racing, obviously, as I’m committed to protecting frontline activities). This will be the first step on a long road towards restoring good management of the running body. Mileage will be reduced in real terms with the intention to limit as far as possible the impact of running on the most vulnerable parts of my body (dodgy hamstring).

I won’t be able to achieve a step change in performance until I have fully rested the hamstring. From Abbey Dash until Chevin Chase I will be just jogging at selected events – namely the Saturday parkruns and the second PECO cross country race. This should provide me with a platform to consider new and radical approaches to increasing mileage in the New Year. From then, the bulk of the deficit reduction will be achieved through increased, focused training combined with improvements in healthy eating and in stringent portion control.

Christmas and the New Year will be particularly challenging with some tightening of belts as we fight inflation. In the New Year we will need to put austerity measures in place but I’m viewing this one week period as a winter recess.

The support of Liz will be vital to build our collective understanding of the issues, ensuring support for the overall principles and approach and discussing cross-cutting issues. We will need to work holistically together across traditional boundaries. We’ll test and challenge our plans and ensure that they respond to external engagement. These deliberations will be informed and supplemented by detailed conversations with our marathon running coalition colleagues.

I remain confident that we can build the foundations for strong and sustained growth. It will be a hard road that will lead to a better future.

Target Event Date
5k Target of 00:18:59 at Lancaster in summer 2011
10k Target of 00:39:59 at Dewsbury in Feb 2011
Half Marathon Target of 01:27:00 at Brass Monkey in Jan 2011
Marathon Target of 03:14:59 at London on 17th April 2011
Chart 1B

Chart 1B shows my PB target races for 2011. By undertaking a programme of key reforms I believe I can deliver this vision.

I can confirm that our plans have not been audited by the OBR (Office for Blogging Responsibility).

Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.

Anyone got a winning marathon training programme? Not one to make me win because frankly I don’t think that’s going to happen. Perhaps if I’d been born in the Rift Valley in 1986 with a modicum of running talent and a “can do” approach I might be in with a shout. Being born in Skipton in 1956 with no sporting prowess and a penchant for feeble excuses it would be a big ask to come home first in VLM 2011. I strongly suspect that I won’t even get an invite to the elite start. No, a training programme to enable me to give it my best shot is all I want.

Being a slacker, I thought I’d just filch someone else’s programme and adapt it ever so slightly. Where better to start than the VLM mag? They’ve got three in there aimed at different abilities. I’m flummoxed. They’re 13 week programmes, but which 13 weeks? There’s no taper built in. Is tapering old hat? I liked tapering last year as I was absolutely knackered and couldn’t possibly have just gone from full bore training to running the race. Am I supposed to invent my own taper programme and add that on at the end? Two weeks? Three weeks? What?

On to Runners World website then. They’ve got three, but there’s a problem; I want the target time promised by the Advanced programme (sub 3:30), but I’m only prepared to put in the effort of the Intermediate programme (5 days, 32 to 48 miles). I’ll mix and match. Excellent. It’s a sixteen week programme that takes us nicely from Boxing Day to Race Day.

Now add in all the races that I want to run. Blimey, there are loads of them. Three club cross country races that I don’t want to miss. I want to run some twenty milers and Trimpell and East Hull appeal. From the experience of last year, running in proper races is a good way to get in a long run; it’s pretty dull doing a solo run. I could do with race organisers firming up on dates, especially Dewsbury 10k as that will be one of my four “A” races for 2011. Baildon Boundary Way a week before VLM – is that pushing it with an off-road half? Sod it, I’ll give it a go if I can get in. I’ll have to try and do something creative with the Saturday morning parkruns though. Anyone got any bright ideas for how I can make them a useful part of marathon training?

I feel better now tackling the marathon with a proper plan. I won’t stick to it of course. Probably be backsliding after the first week. Planning and blogging are going well; if I keep this up I might manage to avoid doing any running at all.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Did your London Marathon rejection magazine crash onto your doormat the other day? Have to sign for a ludicrous garment you’ll never wear? Not me. I got in. Thing is, I’d have been disappointed but relieved to receive the rejection mag. I did my bit last year and that was enough for me. Two entries into the ballot and two “wins”; I can’t claim any special talent or ability it’s just the way it is (although I think in some way I must be cleverer or more deserving than those of you who weren’t successful).

Due to a not-unexpected Royal Mail cock up Liz and I received our ballot news on different days. Neither of us really wanted to run London Marathon 2011. This sounds somewhat ungracious, but I did see 2010 as a one-off, never-to-be-repeated piece of madness. I only entered for 2011 to make Liz feel better about applying. She applied on the grounds that she wasn’t ready yet, but she would be one day. It was no great surprise then last Thursday when my magazine with happy, smiling faces on the front arrived. I was out on Friday when Liz got her notification, but when I got back I found a rather crumpled magazine with saddo, loser faces on the front thrown on the floor next to the most unflattering, ill-fitting “rain jacket” I’ve ever seen in my life. I tried it on and couldn’t decide if I looked more like Fred the master butcher off Coronation Street or that fat bloke off Dinnerladies. Watchdog should investigate and find out if Branson ordered a job lot off some child slave labour gangmaster from Manila.

Liz put on a brave face for the first couple of days, and said she was happy to take her chances with the club draw. Discreet enquiries revealed that this would take place at the Christmas do and I could see that she’d need something to take her mind off it pretty quickly. She must have felt that way too because she set up the ironing board and announced she was going to “make a patchwork quilt”. I have absolutely no idea what this is and hadn’t been aware that my life was somehow incomplete without such a thing, but hey, if it occupies mind and body while she gets over the disappointment, then I’m happy with that.

I blame our eldest. We’d dropped him off at Uni the week before and Liz now has a first-born shaped gap in her life that needs filling with something. Sunday evening comes around and she’s surfing the net looking at charity places. By Monday morning I get a call from Liz saying Age UK has offered her a place. So now we’re both going to turn our lives inside out in order to get fit enough to run for 26.2 miles next April.

I’m really delighted that Liz is running London as well. Trouble is, I was planning on going into denial until the New Year. The training and preparation will become an obsession; everything will be centred on the marathon. All our hopes and plans will be aimed at getting into prime condition and then running to plan. I was kind of hoping to put it on the back-burner as it’s a long time to maintain that level of determination and paranoia.

But it’s already started. Liz announced that her marathon training starts next Sunday with the Woodland Challenge; I pointed out that (a) she entered the race in May, before she’d even thought about London 2011; and (b) she’s only entered because of the legendary goody bag and man playing with his organ in the woods, neither of which are particularly athletic or noble reasons. She mumbled incoherently at this, which is usually my preserve.

I’ve tried to get distracted; the Tory party conference has provided a minor distraction as I go from guffawing (Boris) to apoplectic rage (Gove, Osborne, anyone) depending on which buffoon is on stage. The Commonwealth Games have failed to take my mind off the marathon so far. This may change though as any sports aficionado will tell you that these multi-sport events don’t really get going until the beach volleyball starts. A man who is tired of beach volleyball is tired of life.

So here we are starting six months of marathon based torture. Sometime soon those of you fortunate enough to have received your loser mag and jacket will be tucked up comfortably in bed while I’m hauling my sorry ass round some freezing, god forsaken field. I won’t be feeling so cocky then.